Oh oh oh,

I want you all to know how much a block of concrete I am.
One of the scariest movies in the world to me, is a beautiful mind.
The thought of being immersed in what feels like the biggest thing you've ever done,
to finding out you've made it all up.
That's how I have felt the past week.
Maybe I haven't made it up,
or at least maybe not all of it.
Maybe I could have realized what was true and what wasn't a while ago,
but I was just too scared of the implications.
I think I'm going to get better soon.
I'm better off than I have been in a long time.
and I say that because I love you.
and by you, I mean you.
and 'blogger'.
and whoever else may read this.
I'm going to try to get better soon.
and I'm sorry I have to ask this.
but I do have to ask this.
Please help me.
I can't tell the difference between these Paul Bettany illusions
and what is real.
I can't tell the difference between my friends saying "Help yourself, you need it."
and
"Sell out, no one will blame you."
I feel (and this is because many of you have said it to me before)
that I'm a good person, and that I'm trying to do things that are very admirable.
I feel that a lot of my commitments are, to be honest, kind of beautiful.
But lately, it's been called to my attention.
Some of them have taken their toll on me.
and consequently you.
and by you, I mean you.
and 'blogger'.
and whoever may read this.
I guess what I'm saying, is a lot of things aren't making sense anymore.
and I need you to encourage me. And remind me of the good parts of me.
so I can dive into them more. How embarrassing.
I can't tell you how much I hate myself for needing to ask that of you.
You don't deserve it.
You deserve for me to be in control.
and constant.
but I feel like I've tried so hard to learn how to love,
and even harder at not receiving it.
and, well, if you can't receive love,
then everything I've ever known is wrong.
but everything I've ever known isn't wrong.
most of it is rather right.
and so,
in conclusion.

Please love me.
Good day to you,
and by you, I mean you.