Oh, it's "No thanks" to a lot of things, and "Yes please" to scrabble and puppies. Things barely make sense anymore, but that's alright. You'll love them sooner or later, anyway. One day, all of my stupid little quirks will not be stupid.
I just ramble way too much.
I've become outgoing and charismatic. The more it takes from me. It's like putting quarters into a broken vending machine and putting more and more into it, but never getting anything out until all of my coins are gone, and now I'm flat broke, and everyone has seen what I can do. I can't impress and but I have so much desire and passion still.
I've been thinking so much lately. Everything just proves more and more difficult and complex with everyday. I'm trying my best. I feel sick right now.
I feel sick all the time. I'm not exaggerating.
The past two weeks, I've eaten only one meal a day, and strangely, I've been getting by. It must just be the girl in me, me and my attatchment to my food.
I think about the future. Often. I want to fast forward with life, see if anything is worth my time. If I'll be dead at age 22. (ha!) I don't know why I even bother thinking about it, for as cynical I am...it really shouldn't even matter. The past is hard on me, it beats me up. Which really brings me to the next thing, if not biggest issue that I've been thinking about and....okay, if you know, then you know.
Love and infatuation, what are they really? Honestly, I feel everyone has their own definition.
To me, it's family time. It's spending the afternoon at a windy park, having a picnic. It's going to their old Junior High, just so they can tell you stories of what they used to be. It's inside jokes and irrelevent stories, lines to a song, quotes from a movie. It's waiting patiently one hour to make a microwavable pizza. It's doing something you aren't in the mood for. It's laying on the kitchen floor. It's wearing their favorite outfit. It's waking up to a text message. It's realizing he is the love of your life, but you'd prefer to call him your partner in crime. Mental images captured.
I have developed nervous anxiety from the thoughts and feelings I am having, especially because I'm not restrained by currency. Normally my common sense prevail when it comes to issues of my heart, but now I am feeling a bit warm under the collar. I could try to ignore my emotions, but they aren't going to go away until I pay them some attention.
To you, I have never been this full of embarrassment, low spirit, sorrow, and above all, fear.
To you, I never have been this full of support, gratitude, confidence, love, and above all, faith.
And by you, I mean you.
Faith > Fear.
It's 2:48am.
-h.
2 comments:
ha! your sentence about wanting to fast forward to see if its worth your time. i know exactly what you're talking about! though not usually about my life anymore, because of where i am now. but im like that in movies too, if evan's seen it i beg him to answer just one little question to help me get through it but he never does cos he wants me to see for myself. then during christmas i was talking to my sister in law and she's having a confusing relationship right now, and i just wished i could see what would end up happening, and that she could see too, so that at least she'd know what to expect in the end. i dont know. im just glad you said that. i've never heard anybody else want that before :)
Yes!!! I often wish I could see what is going to change, and what isn't. Although, knowing probably wouldn't help much....I just wish I had an old lady to show me what's inside her crystal ball of the future. Hahaa :)
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